...walks into a bar...
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  1. #1
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    Default ...walks into a bar...

    A horse walks into a bar. Several people immediately recognize the danger in the situation and leave.
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    So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
    The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
    The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He then proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
    The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
    "If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
    So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
    As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy ****, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
    The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
    The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
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    A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering-wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says, "You know you got a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Aye and it's drivin' me nuts."
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    A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. Bartender says "What's up with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrrrrgh...there's a bounty on me head!"
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    Three logicians walk into a bar. The tender says, "Do all of you want a drink?
    "I don't know," says the first logician.
    "I don't know," says the second logician.
    "Yes!" says the third one.
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    One of those logicians' wife is having a baby. When he shows up at the hospital they usher him into the delivery room and the doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

    His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl"?

    The logician replies: "yes".
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    An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint." The second asks for half a pint. The third asks for a quarter of a pint. The fourth one asks for an eighth of a pint... "Alright, you idiots," the bartender says, and he pours two pints and says "I hope you guys know your limits."
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    Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."
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    A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
    (Apparently an anecdote and a double entendre were also in attendance)
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    Jean-Paul Sartre walks into a bar and orders a cup of coffee, with no cream. The bartender replies, I’m sorry, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?
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    Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says "Martini?" and Descartes says "I think not!" and poof! He disappears.
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    Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."
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    The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."
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    Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."
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    Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.
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    Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.
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    Erwin Schrödinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Descartes left but at the same time did not leave.
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    Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.
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    James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.
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    Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve.
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    Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.
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    Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.
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    Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.
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    Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science.
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    Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw.
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    Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw.
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    Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance.
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    Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone.
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    Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    Nicola Tesla re-coiled at the sight.
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    Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong."
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    A German walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says "Dry?" and the German says, "Nein, just one".
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    A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
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    Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a martini'?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
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    An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host."
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    Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."
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    A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
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    A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
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    Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
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    A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."
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    A man goes into a bar with a giraffe; they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
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    A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
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    A man walks into an English pub and orders a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. The barman says "that will be 80p."
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    A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2."
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    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first one replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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    C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

    D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

    E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

    Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
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    Two programmers walk into a foo.
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    A SQL query walks into a bar and joins two tables...
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    The bartender says "we don't serve time-travelers here". A time-traveler walks into a bar.
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    A guy walks into a bar and says "is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
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    A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer walk into a bar and the bar tender asks them what the volume is of a red rubber ball he has.

    The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.
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    A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got ‘em!"
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    Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
    He’s 0K now.
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    The programmer’s wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

    The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
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    An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we assume that the horse is a sphere..."
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    An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.
    The engineer says, "we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow."
    The chemist says, "with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane."
    The economist says, "okay let’s assume we have a boat..."
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    Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here." He doesn’t react.
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    How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A fish.
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    What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
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    A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
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    A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
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    A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
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    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar. After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai."
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    George R. R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar and everyone you've ever loved dies.
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    I woke up this morning, changed a light bulb walked across the street and into a bar and I realized, my whole life ...is a joke
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    A man walks into a bar and orders ten times what everyone else is currently drinking.
    The bartender exclaims: "Now, THAT'S an order of magnitude!"
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    185 Lawyers walk into a bar.
    Only 60% pass it.
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    Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
    The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
    The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
    The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
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    Michael Bush bushfarms.com/bees.htm "Everything works if you let it." ThePracticalBeekeeper.com 42y 40h 39yTF

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  3. #2
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    Default Re: ...walks into a bar...

    Bahahahaha!
    A man is worth just as much as the things about which he busies himself- Marcus Aurelius

  4. #3
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    Default Re: ...walks into a bar...

    Very good!

  5. #4
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    Default Re: ...walks into a bar...

    Now that the days are getting longer I'm glad you shed some more light on those jokes!

  6. #5
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    Default Re: ...walks into a bar...

    not sure, but does mr. bush spend a lot of time in bars?

  7. #6
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    Default Re: ...walks into a bar...

    Quote Originally Posted by mathesonequip View Post
    not sure, but does mr. bush spend a lot of time in bars?
    Foos....? I'd say so.
    A man is worth just as much as the things about which he busies himself- Marcus Aurelius

  8. #7
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    Default Re: ...walks into a bar...

    >not sure, but does mr. bush spend a lot of time in bars?

    Only when I'm a designated driver.
    Michael Bush bushfarms.com/bees.htm "Everything works if you let it." ThePracticalBeekeeper.com 42y 40h 39yTF

  9. #8
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    May 2014
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    Charlotte, NC
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    Default Re: ...walks into a bar...

    I don't drink but I might start. Where is that international bar?

  10. #9
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    Default Re: ...walks into a bar...

    Two fish swim into an underwater bar, a shark, a scuba diver, and a dolphin are at the bar, and a blowfish is the bartender. so one fish said to the other " we should go across the lake, there's a better chance we'll survive this" the other fish said " why don't you think we would survive here?" the reply, " well, the shark would probably eat us, the scuba diver would take us home and sell us, or the dolphin could drive us so insane we would kill ourselves" the second fish replied " well, were safe then" he pulls out a pile of sushi, a pile of hundred dollar bills, and an automatic camera, "I came prepared! this will distract them all long enough for us to get some beer to go" "what about the blowfish?" reply: "he's blown up already, he wont bother us" so what happened? they threw the sushi at the shark,the money at the diver, and the camera at the dolphin, the blowfish said "HOW DARE YOU! this is a BAR! if you want to help someone, GO TO THE WALMART ACROSS THE STREET AND THROW STUFF AT ANYONE WHO LOOKS BORED!
    Have 4 hives, as of 5/30/2017

  11. #10
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    Default Re: ...walks into a bar...

    Guy comes in and sits at the bar, then helps a one foot tall, tuxedo’d little man up onto the stool next to him. After they have a drink the tiny man climbs up onto the bar top, runs the length of it, clambers down to the floor then heads over to the piano, which he begins to play brilliantly.

    Bartender sidles over to the guy at the bar, nods toward the little man and asks, so what’s his story?

    Well, the guy at the bar says, last night I leave a bar after I have a few too many and I stumble into an alley where I find a magic lantern. I rub it and the genie comes out saying he’ll grant me three wishes. First I ask for a million bucks, but I was sloshed and slurry, so suddenly a million ducks are quacking overhead instead. Then I asked for the biggest house in town, but I was sloshed and slurry, so next thing a huge Clydesdale is nuzzling the top of my head.

    Bartender stops the guy and says, Let me guess. You didn’t actually ask for a twelve inch pianist.

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