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Gene Therapy For Republicans

Strange things are happening in our nation’s capital making it increasingly difficult to determine which side your favorite politician is on. For instance, Nancy Pelosi has been a vocal supporter for putting a GMO label on all food products (perhaps taking a cue from Maine and Connecticut where GMO label legislation was passed in June); now it appears that Pelosi and her followers are changing their minds on this issue. What’s in back of this change? Here’s the story from a Washington insider.

The Obama administration has secretly assured Monsanto that it will oppose all efforts to require GMO labeling. In return, they are asking for Monsanto’s help in passing Climate Change legislation. So, how can Monsanto help? In a secret lab, known as “Building 14”, a heavily guarded facility at their St. Louis headquarters, Monsanto, with monetary assistance from the Administration, has developed an environmental-awareness gene (EAG) over the past 18 months. The gene is inserted in mice and can be extracted from mice and inserted in humans (including Republicans). The gene is designed to raise the environmental IQ of any recipient by 8 to 10 points.

Getting the gene into recalcitrant Republicans is a 2-step process: first, the Administration will sponsor a bill that makes it easier for any Republican to register to vote — all that will be needed is a sheet of paper with a large capital R (in ink); no documentation proving citizenship will be necessary (no IDs, gun permits, etc.). The House should pass this bill easily. Here’s the catch: the ballot handed to the Rs at polling places will be impregnated with the EAG and the gene will penetrate the skin of the recipient upon contact.

In Monsanto’s tests with mice, those with the environmental awareness gene (EAG) spend extra time rounding up their droppings and depositing them in a neat pile in front of the access door to their cages for easy removal by their caretakers. There was initial uncertainty as to whether mice would transfer this concern for their immediate environment to the larger environmental question of climate change since mice are obviously ignorant of climate change. Monsanto was able to locate a climate change denier (also a Republican) within its own ranks who “volunteered” to be treated with the EAG extracted from mouse tissue. The results were immediate: the climate-change denier joined the NRDC, the Sierra Club, marched against the Keystone pipeline and organized a group to reduce carbon emissions in the greater St. Louis area. He also circulated a petition to require a permit and background check for anyone purchasing a mouse trap and, in what Monsanto believes is a harmless side effect, he has developed a strong affinity for cheese. Monsanto recorded a 20 point increase in environmental IQ from its in-house volunteer. It has since tweaked the gene to provide only the 8 to 10 point increase deemed necessary for dissemination at polling places, an increase that both Obama and Monsanto feel is more than ample. Monsanto’s volunteer appears to be quite happy, although his family budget is under stress due to excessive bills for high-end gourmet cheese (Monsanto has since included a generous cheese stipend in his monthly pay check).

Nancy Pelosi was livid when she first heard of a Monsanto-Obama alliance and the alliance created a firestorm among Democrats in general. After a closed-door meeting, they have since been persuaded that the greater good of passing climate change legislation outweighs the labeling of GM foods.

Top Republicans got wind that something was going on between Obama and Monsanto and assigned Darrell Issa to get more information. Through a friend that works for Monsanto, Issa was able to get a private tour of Building 14. While there, Issa surreptitiously picked up a stack of ballots from beneath a glass case, hid them under his coat and took them back to D.C., unaware that they were impregnated with the EAG. Besides taking the treated ballots back to D.C., Issa also carried a GM apple, pilfered from Monsanto, which he ostentatiously chomped into at a hastily called news conference — some observers took this to be Issa thumbing his nose at Michael Pollan whose antipathy to GM foods is well known. At a hastily called meeting of high-ranking Republicans, Issa shared the tainted ballots and they were duly passed around. Nothing seemed amiss and Issa was roundly chastised for not coming up with better information. Everyone that handled the ballots also received the EAG.

The following day, John Boehner called, a press conference, and, flanked by Ted Cruz and Eric Cantor asserted that from now on “the Republican party will be taking the lead in protecting God-fearing Americans from the devastating effects of climate change” and that the Obama administration has been “criminally negligent” in failing to address this critical issue. Boehner’s statements created a deep rift in the Republican party, with Tea Partiers, and many rank and file Republicans calling for Boehner’s immediate removal from office.

To the delight of Obama, the treated ballots will be in place at polling places for the next general election. After the election, it is expected that U.S. cheese manufacturers will expand operations, creating thousands of new jobs, many of them in Wisconsin, which should please Gov. Scott Walker. And, if global warming legislation can prevent Florida from being submerged in this century, even Marco Rubio will be pleased. Overall, it looks like a win-win situation for all parties!

Joe Traynor, Bakersfield, CA September 2013