Yesterday I was at the Villages' (an area north of Orlando full of retirees)
Publix (our large food chain in Florida) buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that
I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it
was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load
your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified,
she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I
thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing
Publix won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.