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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Ennis, TX USA
    Posts
    5,124

    Default Disorder in the Courtroom

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    > > > > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    > > > > WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    > > > > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    > > > > WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    > > > > ____________________________________________
    > > > >
    > > > > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    > > > > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    > > > > ____________________________________________
    > > > >
    > > > > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    > > > > WITNESS: Yes.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    > > > > WITNESS: I forget.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    > > > > ___________________________________________
    > > > >
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    > > > > WITNESS: We both do.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    > > > > WITNESS: We do.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: You do?
    > > > > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    > > > > ____________________________________________
    > > > >
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    > > > > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    > > > > ____________________________________
    > > > > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    > > > > WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
    > > > > ___________________________________________
    > > > >
    > > > > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    > > > > WITNESS: Yes.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    > > > > WITNESS: None.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    > > > > WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    > > > > ____________________________________________
    > > > > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    > > > > WITNESS: By death.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    > > > > WITNESS: Take a guess.
    > > > > ____________________________________________
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    > > > > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    > > > > WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
    > > > > _____________________________________
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
    > > > > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    > > > > ______________________________________
    > > > >
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    > > > > WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    > > > > _________________________________________
    > > > >
    > > > > ATTORNEY: All your responses MUST be oral, OK. What school did you go to?
    > > > > WITNESS: Oral.
    > > > > _________________________________________
    > > > >
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    > > > > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    > > > > WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    > > > > ____________________________________________
    > > > >
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    > > > > WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    > > > > ______________________________________
    > > > >
    > > > > And the best for last:
    > > > >
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    > > > > WITNESS: No.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    > > > > WITNESS: No.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    > > > > WITNESS: No.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    > > > > WITNESS: No..
    > > > > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    > > > > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    > > > > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    > > > > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
    Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    goshen, ma
    Posts
    359

    Default

    Hope I never need one of these lawyers, Lol
    -Jeff

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    hamburg, new york, usa
    Posts
    440

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jeff123fish View Post
    Hope I never need one of these lawyers, Lol
    -Jeff
    LOLOLOLOL!!!!! Thanks

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    parker county, tx
    Posts
    7,923

    Default

    Lmao- that's one of the funniest things I've read ever!
    So many weeds.......so little time.

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