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Thread: Tools

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Ennis, TX USA
    Posts
    5,053

    Default Tools

    Setting up a new workshop? There is a lengthy list of tools you"ll need.
    This list will help you get started:

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
    flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
    stained heirloom piece you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
    workbench at the speed of light.

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
    until you die of old age.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
    and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
    future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
    If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
    welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16- or
    1/2-inch socket you"ve lost.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
    you have installed your new brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly
    under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2x4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
    of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
    drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
    future use.

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
    to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
    has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic"s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
    drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
    is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
    purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
    howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
    Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is strangely
    appropriate.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
    for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
    shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
    screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
    convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
    power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
    travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
    which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
    instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
    you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
    as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
    object we are trying to hit -- or thumbs, whichever are closer.

    MECHANIC"S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
    cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
    such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
    magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
    for slicing work clothes and fingers, but only while in use.
    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Hulk in the face. Now he hides in the forest and changed his name to Shrek

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    parker county, tx
    Posts
    7,923

    Default


    I can personally identify with most of those. That's one of the best I have seen in awhile.
    So many weeds.......so little time.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Ennis, TX USA
    Posts
    5,053

    Default

    Thanks DF. I was about to move out with the Crickets I have been hearing.
    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Hulk in the face. Now he hides in the forest and changed his name to Shrek

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